When in doubt...... Have FAITH!

Imagine feeling consumed by self-doubt and past trauma, only to discover a path to self-acceptance and healing. That's exactly what we explore in this episode as I share my personal journey through the ups and downs of battling bipolar disorder, grappling with broken relationships, and ultimately finding strength in faith and genuine connections. Through candid reflections, we'll tackle how self-destructive behaviors often mask deeper issues and the pivotal moments that catalyze transformation.

Have you ever experienced how a failed relationship can lead to both physical and emotional turmoil? I recount a period in my life where a drastic physical change couldn't fill the void of heartbreak, leading to a cycle of bitterness and emotional manipulation. It wasn't until a special person showed me genuine care that I began to realize the importance of seeking help and becoming a better person for my children. This episode underscores the power of accountability and love in the healing process, turning self-destruction into a journey of self-improvement.

Finding true happiness and self-worth isn’t easy, especially when dealing with mental health struggles. I delve into the profound impact of a children's book, "You Are Special" by Max Lucado, which led to a spiritual reawakening and a commitment to change. We'll discuss the importance of genuine friendships, forgiveness, and therapy in expressing and alleviating emotional pain. By sharing my personal experiences, I aim to ensure that no one feels alone in their struggles and to highlight the human need to share and heal from our hurts. Join me on this heartfelt journey to uncover the transformative power of faith and self-acceptance.

Chapters

• 0:00 Overcoming Self-Doubt and Past Trauma
• 11:33 Journey of Self-Discovery and Redemption
• 16:45 Journey to Self-Acceptance
• 21:17 Finding Faith and Self-Acceptance

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

You better check yourself before you break yourself. You better check yourself before you break yourself. To those that I've hurt in the past. I'm very sorry.

Speaker 1: 0:11

I played that role in your journey and, although I have apologized to those people individually, I felt like I needed to say it on here because I am retelling the story. Retelling the story Today's episode was a hard episode for me to record and it was hard to put my thoughts into words in a way where I could share some of my story without disrespecting others in my life. Everyone that has had a role in me becoming who I am today is someone that I love dearly, and I will never speak bad or negatively about any of them. I want to always maintain my honesty with all of you, and the role in my journey is not my story to tell. The purpose of this is not to allow yourself to hold back, even if you are uncomfortable, inconvenienced and doubtful. They're to dream like a little kid before they knew pain and started accepting the judgment from an imperfect world. I hope y'all enjoy this all over the place episode.

Speaker 2: 1:04

Hey, what's up you guys? Welcome back to Check Yourself with Harley. Thank you for being here with me today and I pray that today has been a good day for you. Even if it wasn't, that it'll turn around. Today's episode is about self doubt and how it can hold us back, and I thought this would be a good time for me to tell you guys my story, a little bit of it, a compact version of it. The reason why I wanted to do this is because I've been struggling with self-doubt. I realized how many times I have held myself back in life because I doubt myself. I don't have the faith to do what I am meant to do. I have a life coach, mentor, friend who I love so much and she has a podcast. It's the Bella Grace podcast. I'll link it below on YouTube, so you should check her out. She's really great.

Speaker 2: 2:03

She had an episode where she was talking about your purpose how a lot of times our purpose are related to, like our childhood dreams. That was kind of when I was working on my podcasting and I thought it was crazy how, when I was little, I've always loved helping people. I've had all of these qualities when I was a little kid. That were actually really great. But you grow up and you kind of like lose your innocence. Life doesn't seem easy, and then you start worrying about like grown up things and those dreams are gone because you tell yourself you'll never be able to accomplish that, I will never be a singer or I'll never be an. Tell yourself you'll never be able to accomplish that, I will never be a singer, or I'll never be an actress, I'll never be president, I'll never be a lawyer, and those things kind of go away as you get older and I think life experiences and things that we go through make us also become doubtful of what we are capable of. I started to tell myself that I wasn't qualified to do this because I went to college but didn't finish. I felt like I have failed at so many things, so why add one more? I just didn't see the point.

Speaker 2: 3:17

Self-doubt is often us telling ourselves what we are able to do and not having faith and trust. If you are just starting off, improve things in your life or kind of make changes, I don't want you to quit just because you start doubting yourself. Because sometimes when we stumble we think, okay, well, we've already messed it up, so we might as well, just stop and then we don't know what could have been. Let's discuss self-doubt. Let's find out what things are making us doubt ourselves. Let's work understanding why we have those doubts, maybe having some faith that our history does not determine our destiny.

Speaker 2: 3:58

I started to have doubts because, as I've discussed, we all know that I have the bipolar. Because, as I've discussed, we all know that I have the bipolar. But it is something that I try to be conscious of because of the different symptoms and stuff. One of the symptoms for when you have mania in bipolar and it's the mania and it's the depression. So it's like two different spectrums. I'm not a doctor so I'm not going to go into full detail, but that's what you live with. You either are super high or you're super low, but there is different extremes. I've personally never experienced a grandiosity extreme which is basically you feel like you're bigger than life or you're like God, or it's all kinds of like different things.

Speaker 2: 4:41

But this is something I have prayed over. I wanted guidance. I have not ever taken guidance from anyone in my life. Now I go to the person I trust the most in this world, which is God. I pray for pretty much anything that I need help with. I wanted to help others. I've actually. I have tried to go to school for being a police officer. I have tried to go to school for counseling, like to be a counselor, to be a social worker and just anything to help people. I truly honestly, have always had a lot of love for people, especially people who go through things in life. I prayed on it. I asked God to use me in whichever way he thought would be best. So when I started to have doubts about myself, I started to wonder oh my gosh, am I like going through a manic episode and I just think I'm like this super helpful person and you know, god's telling me to do this thing or you know whatever. I check myself and make sure that I do everything for the right reasons and not for, like, self-serving reasons, but for reasons other than myself, outside of myself. So with this it was kind of the same thing. Trigger warning I will be discussing suicide on this episode. So if that's something you struggle with or don't really want to hear about, then totally understand. I really appreciate y'all listening up to this point. I love you. You won't hurt my feelings if you click off.

Speaker 2: 6:17

Years ago I had a person that I thought was my friend. I remember I was talking to them about something I was going through. They said to me you know, you're a very negative person. I don't want that in my life because I'm in this point in my life. I respected that and I don't fault this person for saying this and those were their boundaries. I have to respect and understand that. But it did something in me and it was one of those things that kind of stuck with me. I actually never told anyone what I dealt with ever again, not even the people that have been closest to me. I had a friend that I've known for 12 years and she did not know the extent of what I was going through until my engagement party a couple years ago and I had a lot of celebration drinks and I was opening up to her. That was one of the first times I discussed it with anyone.

Speaker 2: 7:20

Ever again I will tell you that isolation. Ever again I will tell you that isolation whether you have mental illness or have trauma or you're dealing with anything in your life, it's probably the worst thing you can do to yourself is isolate, because then you're just carrying that around all alone. There's no one there to help you lighten the load, and sometimes we close off to even people who are willing to carry that load with us. The reason why I want to tell you my story is because I want you to understand where I am coming from and why I wanted to do this and why. Now I don't doubt myself in doing this.

Speaker 2: 8:03

I was raised by a single mom. We came here when I was 10. We came from Colombia Well, I guess back a little bit Back in Colombia. My dad left when I was two. My mom raised me and she brought me here. She got married. Since I was a little kid I had always wanted a dad because everyone else had one, so I wanted one too. We came here. Unfortunately, that marriage did not work for my mom and so it was me and her again just us. She eventually met somebody who I really learned to love as a dad. That was probably the closest thing I had to a father figure. Unfortunately, that person did very bad things, hurt my family a lot. I was I think I was a freshman in high school when this happened. It was a big thing Police, swat, all of the stuff.

Speaker 2: 8:55

It was really known that I had gone through this like at school, and that's when my mental health started to like really deteriorate. By the time I was 15, I attempted suicide for the first time. Of course, back then I wasn't diagnosed anything, because it's really hard to diagnose bipolar disorder. Now I was getting older so I thought, okay, well, if I'm not going to have dad which I had accepted at this point I figured I would find this love that I was looking for through a man, and I thought the way to do that would be to be physical with a man. So that's what I did, and I started being sexually active at 15. It was in a very reckless way. It wasn't because I cared about someone, it was just because I was looking for someone, and that shaped the way that I look at physical contact, which sucks. I moved out of my house and I thought I was grown. You know, that did not work out very well. I pretty much kept looking for that love, but like, not. It was like I wanted it, but I was scared of it too. I ended up getting pregnant.

Speaker 2: 10:06

So at this point I have four very small kids. I am very young. I think I was like I don't know 25. I am a single mom and I am just working all the time and I'm stressed, frustrated and, instead of like focusing on my kids, I'm still trying to focus on filling this void that I carry and I keep thinking it's, it's, it's a man, it's a person that's supposed to fill it.

Speaker 2: 10:31

I start dating at this point. My son is six months old and I meet somebody. I started dating this person. I date this person for a year and I was thinking this is a good, healthy relationship, because I was very against living with someone because I have daughters. I didn't want to just be like bringing men in and out. I wanted to make sure it would be something. So after a year of dating, I was thinking this is going to be good and this is what I've been searching for and all that. And I found out he had a whole nother life outside of me. It was really heartbreaking for me. That was definitely a hard thing that I went through because I was thinking that I was like so in love and sadly it was because I loved that he didn't want to just be physical with me. He liked me for me, which is sad Again, from the way that I looked at physical contact Once I found this out.

Speaker 2: 11:33

I was heartbroken. I just I kind of started to lose hope and I felt like I was not even worth anything Like my worth lied on a person. So I figured I just need to look better. He just he's so good looking and if I looked better maybe he will love me and maybe he will be with me. And so I went on like this fitness journey, got in shape and lost all this weight, started carrying myself differently and all of this stuff. I've always loved getting dressed up, but this was like that times a thousand. After doing all of that, I had skin removal surgery because I lost so much weight and I had excess skin and all that.

Speaker 2: 12:16

Even after all that, I did not get the guy. I was still alone. I was still bitter, miserable, sad all the time. I figured you know what I look like, this now, and that will never happen to me again. I decided I was going to be the crappiest version of myself that I could be and wasn't nobody ever going to hurt me, ever again.

Speaker 2: 12:38

And now this time, instead of people playing with me, I started playing with people and their feelings, playing mind games, and I started to think it was just hilarious to have people want to be with me and me just not be with them, never planning on pursuing anything with them. I was just a terrible person, like. I truly think back to who I used to be and it's just truly sad that I let my pain and my hurt turn me into something that I truly disliked. And it wasn't just. It wasn't just man, it was just, in general, I started to feel like superior in some way. My heart was growing hateful and cold, which is, you know, sad to think about, because I, I honestly, have always had a really big heart and I can say that now truly have always had a lot of compassion and love for people. But I started to let my life experiences start to turn me into a cold, mean person. Eventually I met someone, of course, because even though I was mean and I was out here to hurt the world, I still wanted someone to love me. So I met someone and we started dating and I thought, okay, this is the one and it's funny because this person is actually a very great person had, you know, came from a really great family, had gone to school, I was able to have like conversations about non-superficial things and it was like, okay, this is this, has got to be it. This, this is it. But I was not in the right place for this person. It's like you ask for something over and over again.

Speaker 2: 14:24

At one point in my life I used to just be so angry at God because I've always believed but one I never knew how God's love works truly. Two, I blamed all of my life choices on God, all of the consequences I was dealing with. I was blaming him and I would think, like, how can you let all this happen to me? Like, how much stuff does one person have to go through? I mean, I'm only 20, whatever. And come on, man, although I felt that way, I also knew that I was wrong, or even thinking that, because it was my life choices, and there's a difference between being accountable for the mistakes that you make, beating yourself up for them. So I would. I wasn't holding myself accountable, I was just feeling sorry for myself and throwing myself little pity parties about everything that was going on, not truly being accountable, and I would just beat myself up. It was just a vicious cycle.

Speaker 2: 15:22

So this person I met, I, although I thought they were it, I successfully, completely treated them like crap and did horrible things and that's something I had to live with for well, I'll have to live with it forever and it was a process for me to forgive myself for it, because at that point I felt like I deserved anything. I got after that, after the way that I was to this person, but this person was a huge part in my life. As far as me getting help, very shortly after I met them, I went into very, very deep depression and I'm talking I wouldn't even get out the bed. They had to literally help me shower, help me eat, things like that and this was for like two weeks straight, and this is someone I had just started dating. This person loved and cared for me.

Speaker 2: 16:16

I looked for help. I looked for help to improve my relationship with my kids, more than anything, because at that point I had completely messed my relationship with my kids up. I felt like I was a terrible mom. I didn't want to be that. I wanted my kids to love me. I wanted to be a better mom and that was really my driving force to begin to get help was my kids, because I knew I was just going down a very long, not good road.

Speaker 2: 16:45

I started to see therapists. I started to see a psychiatrist. That's when I was diagnosed. But even diagnosed, I did not fully accept it. I kept thinking like they don't know what they're talking about. I would get on meds, get off the meds, I would feel better and I would just think there's nothing wrong with me. And inside I literally felt like I wanted to die. I would pray at night to die, to not wake up, and when I would wake up I would just feel like again. That was my thought and I just felt tired.

Speaker 2: 17:16

I tried to improve who I was, for the person I was with. It became so exhausting. I felt like I was trying to be someone else for somebody else. I didn't want to do it. It was too hard and it was easier for me to just be the piece of crap that I had become. So I went back to my old ways and decided I was better off alone because cause that's what I was comfortable with I had done it for years, so I just rather be alone.

Speaker 2: 17:42

And then I met somebody. This was truly. You know how they always say when you're not looking, you will find the person, or whatever. I truly was not looking. I was wanting to date and I was wanting to go back to that fun and that's fun, quote unquote life of being single and like partying and meeting different people and dating. I went on one date with this person. It was extremely different from anything I had ever been on. I thought that they didn't like me because they respected me, which is sad but true. They respected me enough to at the end of the movie, they took me to my car, gave me a hug and we went our separate ways.

Speaker 2: 18:25

I continued to date this person. I eventually ended up with this person and I realized how miserable I was still on the inside. It was then that I realized that this boy that I kept trying to fill with other people, it was never going to be filled by them because it wasn't anything to do with people and it was everything to do with me. I don't believe that you can't love someone if you don't love yourself, but you definitely cannot accept love if you don't love yourself. I kept thinking at the time that I am supposed to be the happiest. Like I'm engaged, I'm going to get married. I have dreamed of getting married my whole life. At the time I'm planning my wedding. I'm literally wanting to die. I just want to. I want it to be over. So I canceled my wedding. For years I have thought it's my mom's fault. I canceled my wedding, it's this person's fault, it's that person's fault. I blamed it on everyone else. Except the fact that I was literally a miserable person on the inside.

Speaker 2: 19:29

My husband and I decided that we wanted to have a baby and so we got pregnant. I lost my daughter. That pregnancy was very hard on us so we decided we were going to wait. We waited a while. I was going to counseling and I had stopped. Once I lost my daughter I got pregnant again. So I went back to counseling because at this point I am literally just dreading waking up. It's not even like a, it's like a. I am literally just distraught that I just woke up again.

Speaker 2: 19:59

So I go to counseling and I met my angel in life. I owe this woman so much. I have told her thank you, but I don't think she'll ever know the impact she made in my life for the rest of my life. So I would go and I would talk to her because I couldn't be on medication, because I was pregnant and I'd never had a counselor help me, a therapist help me the way she did, and I knew there was something different, but I just didn't understand what it was. And she had like real care and real compassion for me. She loved me Like I care and real compassion for me. She loved me Like I could feel that she loved me.

Speaker 2: 20:37

So as I was getting near the end of my pregnancy, I was scared because I already knew that I wasn't well. Still, my daughter was kind of like my safety net. I was carrying her, but really she was carrying us because I knew I wouldn't do something to myself as long as my child was depending on me. And it's us because I knew I wouldn't do something to myself as long as my child was depending on me. And it's not because I don't love my other kids, because I love all my kids, but it's because I had thought so poorly of myself that I thought that my kids didn't need me. I thought they have dads, they will be fine and they don't need me. And my daughter, she has her dad, she's not going to need me either. Nobody needs me. Like the world is better off with me not being here.

Speaker 2: 21:17

And again it's back to that feeling like a burden, feeling like the sadness in someone's life. And these are people that you love. I used to always say no one understands. I never tried to explain, they only understood as much as they saw. But nobody knew the extent of the pain that I was carrying. I had my daughter.

Speaker 2: 21:36

I had this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't going to make it past the year. I started to really really feel like it was over. I just couldn't do it anymore. I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it anymore. So I knew it was the end. I knew it was the end and I wasn't going to be able to do it anymore. I attempted suicide twice in one week, the week before my therapist had read me this book.

Speaker 2: 22:00

It's a book that I keep up here and the name of the book is you Are Special. It's by Max Lucado. He has other books, like a whole series, and it's a kid's book, but it talks about love and it talks about how you're seen through the eyes of God. Now it doesn't say God on the book and she didn't tell me that. But when she read it to me it just changed something inside of me. But mentally I was still destroyed on the inside in my head, but in the book it's a little wooden person and they had boxes of stickers. If you had ugly parts or if you were just chipped paint or if you were silly and things like that, then you would get a dot sticker. And if you were pretty and if you were good, you would get a star sticker. He goes to see what they call the maker. The maker tells him oh, I see, you have some, you've get a star sticker. He goes to see what they call the maker. The maker tells him oh, I see, you have some. You've gotten some bad marks. And he says to the maker I didn't mean to Eli, I really tried hard At this point that she's reading this book to me.

Speaker 2: 23:05

I truly had been doing my dangest to improve, to change. I can't tell you how much I had changed at this point, but I couldn't see it because of my pain, my doubt I wasn't doing it the right way, I wasn't taking the necessary steps to get rid of the pain. I was putting band-aids on my pain and band-aids on, you know, denial of my mental health and not accepting it and trying to hide it and not talking to anyone, hiding myself. And so he says to him and I'll read just a very short part Punchinello. That's the little wooden character Punchinello. I don't care what other we mix think, and he says you don't. He said no and you shouldn't either. What they think doesn't matter, and all that matters is what I think, and I think that you're pretty special. He goes on to tell him how much he loves him because he made him.

Speaker 2: 24:00

After I did what I did, I went to church the following Sunday because at that point I knew that something different needed to change. A spiritual journey is very personal. I respect anywhere you are in your life. With that, I'm simply sharing my journey and how I got to where I am. I went to church and I remember my pastor saying if you're here, you're here for a reason, because if you or you're here for a purpose, sorry, because if you weren't, you wouldn't be here anymore and God's not done with you. It was that day that I was truly saved. I raised my hand and I love that they do it with our eyes closed, because no one was watching and no one knew this. I think this is actually this is probably the second time I've told this. The first time was with my church group. It was private and it was something that I wanted to do the right way, give it my all, truly.

Speaker 2: 24:56

For once in my life, I wanted to change drastically, not just baby step into my changes, not give myself excuses, not feel sorry, not put it on my mental health, but truly find ways to make myself better. It's been difficult. There has been a lot of things that I have walked through, especially this year. This year has been one of the hardest years of my life, but it's also been the best year of my life because I was able to learn what true love is, what it really means to love. I was able to understand forgiveness for others, for myself. I was able to understand that I am not perfect and that's okay. And I finally understood friendship. I understood what it was like to not walk alone anymore. I have so many great friends that I love so much and they it's not surface level we talk about like real stuff and we love each other through it and we tell each other the truth, but with love and kindness, and we lift each other up and we help dust each other off.

Speaker 2: 26:05

With what I've walked through, I never wanted someone to be in the place that I was at. I never wanted someone to feel that loneliness, feel like they couldn't talk about it, feel like they couldn't come to someone. Because going through something, feeling pain, that's not being negative, that's being human, wanting to be able to share that with someone, at least just to get it out. That's why therapy is so, so helpful, because we get to just get it out. We don't have to carry it with us everywhere we go. We get a break. We get to just express what we're feeling, without judgment. I want to share what I'm going through so that you don't have to feel like you are the only person going through it, so that you don't have to feel like you are a crappy person, because you are not. You just have lived life and it's hard and it hurts, and some of that hurt sits and sometimes we don't know what to do with it or where to put it or like how to even start fixing it. Like, how do you, how do you start doing something that you've never seen before, that you don't know anything about? You don't know where to start.

Speaker 2: 27:14

I used to hate the fact that I have to live with bipolar, but I'm so thankful because that's what made me get help. That's what made me open my eyes to the fact that I was not well and I needed to change and not just change medicine and not just change boyfriend. I needed to change me because I needed to be someone that I could love, so that I could then accept love from other people. Because I needed to be someone that my kids can look up to and if my daughter fights with me, then I can be someone that knows I've done my best. She is going to need space and it'll be fine and not to beat myself up and think, well, I'm a crappy mom anyway. So you know and just go down that rabbit hole. I told you guys at the beginning of the episode.

Speaker 2: 28:04

This is about self-doubt and it is because I doubted myself in everything in my life. I doubted that I was a good mom. I doubted that I loved other people. I doubted that I was a good person. I doubted that I had a big heart. I doubted that I was a good person. I doubted that I had a big heart. I doubted that I could accomplish anything. I doubted anyone could ever love me. I doubted that anyone liked me. Past the physical. I literally have doubted my whole life, everything, every step of the way, and I struggle with it. But the difference now is that I can recognize that and I can take a step back and remind myself of how far I have come. I never want you guys to think this is me telling you I'm perfect, I've got it all together, because I don't. My life is not perfect, far from it, and I struggle. I actually will probably always struggle because my brain likes to play tricks with me and that's hard. So I have to be very, very self-conscious, or conscious of myself, not self-conscious.

Speaker 2: 29:04

The message I want you to take away from this today is one stop doubting yourself, because you're holding yourself back, and that's from improving in your life, improving in your relationships, improving with your career, because there's a promotion, but you think you know I didn't get it last time, or I am not as knowledgeable as I think I am, and that's doubt. I don't want to take a chance on this new job because what if this XYZ happens? I don't want to take a chance on going to school for a different career, because maybe this will happen. You're doubting yourself, you're not giving yourself a chance to prove yourself wrong. The second point I want you to take away is that you aren't alone, and now, that wasn't part of what the episode is, but you don't have to be alone. I hope that me sharing my story, my life, will help you have faith in your story and in your own life and let you see that you aren't alone.

Speaker 2: 30:03

The things that you think about, the things that you wonder, the questions you ask yourself you aren't alone in them.

Speaker 2: 30:08

A lot of us ask ourselves different questions, but we're also afraid to show someone else that maybe we're not perfect or maybe we are going to perceive this negative or that we're a burden. If no one else has told you, you aren't alone. And I am here showing you all of my ugly and showing you that, even with all of that, I know all of my beautiful too. They make all of me. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for everything I've gone through. I've just had to learn to adapt it so that I can be who I am today, so that I could love myself, so that I could forgive myself and give myself some grace. I am going to end with something I read today Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life the Lord has promised to those who love him, james 1, 12. If you guys are someone or know someone who's struggling, with suicidal thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, feeling tired.

Speaker 2: 31:11

Please seek help, either from somebody you love and trust or seek help from a therapist. Just find you somewhere where you can relieve some of that pain. One of the worst things you can do when you're dealing with these feelings is keeping them to yourself. The National Suicide Hotline is 988. Don't go through this journey alone, guys. Don't sell yourself short. Don't be so scared to fail that you don't begin what you know that you are meant to do, what you are here to do. You are way stronger than you give yourself credit for. I love you guys so much. I'm sorry this was such a long episode, but I am so happy to have you here with me at the end of this. I'm thankful for you. Please remember that you are love, you are enough and you are never alone. I love you, guys, and I'll see you next week. You better check yourself before you break yourself. You better check yourself before you break yourself.