The best is yet to come...... Welcome to season DOS

What if you could transform your family's approach to mental health and parenting through fresh perspectives and real-life experiences? As a mother of six and your host, Harley, I invite you to join me in this new season of "Check Yourself With Harley" as we navigate the intricate world of mental health with a special focus on parenting. Together with my daughter and other guest hosts, we uncover the often-hidden challenges teenagers face and explore how parents can offer better support. Our discussions are rooted in my personal journey and enriched by my ongoing studies in communications and mental health coaching, ensuring a season filled with insightful and empowering conversations.

This episode also sheds light on the unique struggles men encounter, especially fathers raising sons, bringing much-needed attention to topics like healthcare and financial literacy. We talk about the crucial importance of making informed life choices and the role community engagement plays in personal well-being. As the holiday season approaches, we address the emotional complexities it brings, particularly for those dealing with family difficulties or loss. By sharing our experiences, we hope to guide you toward improved relationships and a more fulfilling life during this inevitably challenging time.

Finally, we reflect on the profound impact of loneliness and the significance of faith and hope in our lives. I open up about personal challenges and the comfort I find in the belief that life holds more for us beyond current struggles. It's about finding beauty in adversity and staying patient as we move forward together. Remember, you're not alone in this journey, and by keeping faith alive, we can trust that peace and rest are within reach. This episode promises not only to validate your experiences but also to offer a new perspective on navigating life's temporary challenges. Join us as we continue this journey, finding strength in shared stories and the promise of brighter days ahead.

Chapters

• 0:01 Mental Health and Parenting Perspectives
• 4:13 Holiday Struggles and Giving Back
• 13:56 Navigating Holiday Emotions and Family Dynamics
• 22:28 Finding Comfort in Faith and Hope

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

You better check yourself before you break yourself. You better check yourself before you break yourself. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that sufferings produces perseverance, perseverance, character and character. Hope Romans 5, 3, 4. Hope Romans 5, 3, 4. Hey, what's up you guys? Welcome back to Check Yourself With Harley, season two, where you're enough, you're worthy and you were built for this.

Speaker 1: 0:38

I've been gone for a little while, so let me go ahead and reintroduce myself. My name is Harley, I'm 34. I have six kids, six kids ranging in ages, so I have all of the different stages. I am currently back in school pursuing a degree in communications, also a certification for mental health coaching. I was inspired by my daughter recently to work with teenagers addressing different mental health issues that they are struggling with now that maybe we weren't struggling with before, and I was inspired by something that happened that I will get into a bit later. There's just been a lot of changes going on in my personal life and just in life in general which I would have loved to share on the podcast, but it wasn't really possible because of equipment issues and things like that, which again, I can share later. I really just wanted to give you guys a little glimpse of what is going to be coming this season from the show.

Speaker 1: 1:57

As I said, I am currently pursuing a degree for mental health and there's things that I want to discuss more this season, such as mental health and not just things that you're diagnosed with, but maybe you just deal with some symptoms. You don't necessarily have a specific chronic illness that you will be battling for the rest of your life, but maybe you're going through a season where you're dealing with some things and we should discuss that, because why not learn how to deal with this season that you're in? I do want to have more guests and I will have more guests. I want to have different perspectives, not you guys just listening to my own personal opinions and thoughts and then my own personal research that I do, obviously, for the show. I want to discuss, like I said, more about what our kids are dealing with, because maybe if you don't have, you know, a mental health issue or you don't know anyone that does and this is a new thing that you are now battling it might be difficult to do that. I am actually blessed that I have my own mental health struggles, which have helped me be a better advocate for my kids and to be able to understand more of what they deal with, and that, in turn, has given me more patience. So I would love to share that with some of the parents that maybe are struggling with something and they don't really know what they're dealing with. So I want to discuss more of that. I will have my daughter guest hosting some of the episodes because I do want us to get a perspective from what our children are going through and maybe she can help some of your kids if they end up listening to the show, or if one of you kids end up on my show, then you can get a perspective from someone your age that can understand what you're going through and maybe it'll make it easier for you to communicate that with your parents and they can help you in your journey and what you're going through.

Speaker 1: 4:13

I also have been really wanting to have a male perspective on the show, because there is a lot of things that I know men struggle with. I'm somebody who really wants to understand a male perspective because I have sons and I want to be able to help them and raise them to be the best possible man that they can be. So I feel like having a male perspective and then discussing some of the struggles that men are going through and help us understand that they too struggle. It's not just about us women that are feeling tired, overwhelmed, we don't know what our husbands, boyfriends, significant other are struggling with. Maybe that would help communication as well. So really excited to have a male perspective and I also want to talk about, like things that we always say, oh, they should have taught us that in school and we're just out here screwing stuff up because no one ever showed us. So we are going to talk about that stuff now. Let's try to learn maybe things that no one taught us or we just don't think about.

Speaker 1: 5:31

Let's talk about healthcare. I feel like a lot of us get our benefits every November or whenever your benefits renew at work and we just kind of pick the cheapest thing and keep it pushing, and we probably shouldn't do that. Or they offer us 401k and we're just too broke to take it, or certain things like. Let's discuss those things and make educated choices for our benefits and also stop taking jobs that don't have benefits, because you actually need them. I don't know about y'all, but I'm getting older and I have to go see a doctor for different things, it's not just for my mental health. Like women, you should be taking care of your women, health and different things. Guys, it's important. Let's talk about our credit, our finances. What are we doing with our money? We don't have to not enjoy life because we don't have the money to. You can do fun things, you can do self-care, you can do nice things for yourself with your kids, and you don't have to spend a ton of money and you don't always have to be stressed about having all of these material things. Let's discuss other things. There's so much more to life than just spending money or making it, so let's discuss those things.

Speaker 1: 7:00

I also wanted to start suggesting places where maybe we could start giving back maybe a charity. If you don't have the money to donate to a charity, or you, you know there's so many food banks Maybe if you have some extra food, just make sure it's not expired Go donate it and do it with love. Don't just empty out your pantry and treat the food pantries as a garbage can, because there's people out there who truly do need that help and if you're going to help, then help out of the kindness of your heart If you're not able to donate or you're not able to give money. Guys, your time is very valuable and instead of maybe like going out and partying or, you know, waking up hungover the next day if you want to party, then by all means go ahead but instead of like just hanging out in bed all day the next day, volunteer a couple hours of your time to a charity. It makes such a huge difference. A lot of these places don't have enough staff and they are literally at the mercy of their volunteers because they don't have money to pay them. They're non-profits. They are not profiting out of their services. They're just trying to help those who are less fortunate.

Speaker 1: 8:27

I would encourage everyone to just do a little something to give back. It would make the world of difference to someone and it'll make you feel so good on the inside. There's nothing better than helping others who sometimes, at that moment in life, can't help themselves. So I am going to be, you know, giving you guys some suggestions every week of a charity or a place that I research For sure, going to research and make sure that they are reputable and they're actually doing right by the people that they're helping. Those are some of the things you guys can kind of expect coming this season.

Speaker 1: 9:13

I am really so happy to be back doing this. This is truly my passion. This podcast means the world to me and I would pray that it helps at least someone out there that struggles with some of the different things that we talk about on the show. With that being said, this was just supposed to be an intro for season two, but today is Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving. Today is Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving everybody. For that reason, I did want to talk about the holidays and what they mean for some of us and how they affect some of us. Side note, moving forward, I will be referencing my notes. My memory has taken a slope down and I am struggling a lot more with being able to remember things and being able to put my words together, to find ways to help myself to continue to do the things that I love to do. Part of having mental health issues, or health issues at all, is finding ways to cope and just helping yourself in different ways, and for me, it's taking my notes and being able to reference them so that I can remember, when I put my episodes together, everything that I've been researching. Now back to what I want to talk about today, the fact that it's Thanksgiving. Today it's actually Thanksgiving. While I'm filming this.

Speaker 1: 10:47

I know a lot of us struggle with the holidays, whether it's because you've lost a loved one, maybe this year, or maybe you lost them around the holidays, and it just kind of doesn't bring back the best memories and it just kind of doesn't bring back the best memories. Maybe you're dealing with a broken marriage, a separation, maybe you have kids and you're not necessarily with the other parent and your kids, you know, have to switch houses or whatever your situation is. Or maybe you have family that you don't necessarily get along with if you're going to be doing the family reunions and things, or if you go, and maybe you have family members that don't make the nicest comments, or there's just a lot that we deal with during the holidays the financial pressure of if we have kids, they want all these things and we're just like barely making it as it is, living paycheck to paycheck, or you're trying to catch up on something else, or all of those things can take a toll on you. I think sometimes during the holidays we tend to look, especially with social media and things like that, or the people around us. They seem to get excited or you know they're looking forward to it. If you make a comment that you're not that excited about the holidays, you're a Scrooge or you're the Grinch. I don't think that's fair to do that to certain people or to anyone just because they aren't necessarily into the holidays, because, like I said, everyone has a different story and everyone or different people could be struggling for different reasons. So you look at the person next to you and you think you know, wouldn't it be nice to have, like either that excitement or the family that they have? You start to, you know, wish you had different. And I want to validate people who feel that way, because I think often if you say you know you wish you had this or that and someone else has it, then people just think that you're, oh, you're, you had this or that, and someone else has it, and people just think that you're, oh, you're jealous of people or you're being envious and you're just an awful person. And I don't think that is fair, because you can be happy for someone having a great family or having great things in their life, and you could still want that for yourself too. That doesn't make you awful, and you're not the only person thinking that. There's other people out there. Maybe they're just not voicing it, but I guarantee that someone else has thought wouldn't that be nice to have a nice marriage like that? Or wouldn't it be nice if my kids behave like that? Or you know what a supportive parent they have? And there's people out there who feel the same. So you don't have to feel alone and you don't have to feel like an awful person.

Speaker 1: 13:56

For me, actually, last night was pretty rough. The holidays have always been a rough time for me. I've never been a fan, honestly. One of the reasons is because when I was younger, growing up, when I was younger, growing up, my mom didn't have very much money and I just felt bad seeing her spend the little she had and trying to like get me things and stuff like that. So as I was growing up, the holidays just they started to have less meaning. When I was with my oldest kid's dad, I did enjoy it because we would go with his family and our kids were little and it would be so cute to see them open gifts and things like that. But once we split up, the holidays again began to be awful for me, because now it was a reminder that my kids were going with their dad and I was going to be literally by myself because I don't have family here. So last night it was kind of like a reminder moment for me because all of my kids got picked up to go with their dad and I am currently separated from my husband, so I told him to go ahead and take the baby with his family. I was just going to have like time to myself and I had been excited about it earlier in the day because I've been kind of running around and doing a lot all the time lately. Of course, with six kids you're busy all the time.

Speaker 1: 15:37

Everybody has something going on at some point or another and I also have stuff going on. The sadness started to set in for me and I just started to feel real crappy about myself and I started to say really mean things to myself because why not? I was already feeling like crap, so why not dump more onto myself? That didn't help. So I had to take a moment to check myself and think about why I was really sad or getting upset and dig down, because it wasn't just that the kids had left and it wasn't me having a little pity party for myself because of my situation right now. It was really to do with the fact that it's a holiday and I thought I'm by myself and I felt like a loser. So there wasn't a good valid reason. I love that my kids have family that they can spend time with and I love that they have all that additional support. I started to make it about me and feeling sorry for me for no reason when I didn't have to feel like that and I could just enjoy my mommy time off. So I just wanted to give everybody some kind of reminders. In the world, the holidays are literally just a season and family time should be all the time. I had to think yesterday I had just spent the first half of the week with my kids and we actually had a great time Before they left. We sat and we painted. We went to the park. We sat and we painted. We went to the park the day before yesterday and we just had like a great time. And I had to remember family time is all the time.

Speaker 1: 17:23

I also want to remind everyone that what might be easy for you may be difficult for another person to go through. Some people are able to deal with family members who are not very nice, are able to deal with family members who are not very nice, and they can go to family functions, be fine and leave just fine. But there's some people that have past trauma and that can be extremely difficult for them to deal with those family members and deal in those situations. We need to be kind to ourselves. If you're not there yet where you can go and deal with the family member, or you maybe feel anxious after you leave or whatever it is that you go through, be kind to yourself. You will get there. You just have to work through it. If you took this step to go, that's great. If you can't do it right now, that's okay too. Just give yourself some grace and give yourself some time.

Speaker 1: 18:20

Some people are fortunate enough to have beautiful families that get along and are great together. We don't know what type of work those families have had to put into. We don't know what they go through, and we should just be happy that those types of family exist and use them as a beacon of hope that one day we too will have that. We will have the family time, the holidays, all that great stuff, having our children spend time with the other parent. We should be happy for our kids. They have love and support from someone else, and not just us, and we should look at that time as a break, energize. Your kids are going to come back and you're going to have to keep on trucking with whatever it is that you guys have going on, whether that's sports or school, whatever. It's okay to take a break and just enjoy the time.

Speaker 1: 19:29

For some of you, it might be a hard time, as I mentioned, because you've lost someone. It's hard to not have them here. Try to embrace the memories that you have with this person. Find peace in knowing that they're in a place of rest. Also, embrace whatever lessons they taught you, whatever guidance they gave you while they were here with you, and just really apply whatever lessons you've been taught from that person. If you love them so much that it affects you so deeply, surely this person did great things for you in life or taught you and showed you great things. So embrace those things and keep their memory alive by practicing what they taught you. Don't allow this world to place additional stress on you because of a date, because, guys, it's just that it's just a date on a calendar.

Speaker 1: 20:36

This season will be gone before you know it. Enjoy the time that you have with your family. Enjoy whatever time off you get from work. This is a great time to catch a break from having to go to work every day. Just find the positives in the season and don't focus so much on the negative. And don't focus so much on what we don't have at the moment, because this is just a season and this, too, shall pass. You're not going to be single forever. You're not going to be beefing with your family forever, and your kids aren't going to be gone forever. They're coming back. Let's not use this time as a could have, would have, should have, because that will just steal your joy for whatever beauty there is in this time for you.

Speaker 1: 21:33

Remember that when you're dealing with family, yes, they could say some things or they could annoy you, but no one is perfect Neither are you and you might say some things that offend somebody or hurt someone's feelings, and you don't know what they're going through. We don't know what type of trauma our family has had to go through Our aunts, our uncles. We don't know, when they go to sleep at night, what hurts them. You know. Let's just be kind and try to understand where other people are at at this time as well, because, as I mentioned, you're not the only one struggling with the holidays. As I mentioned, you're not the only one struggling with the holidays. Someone could be smiling and they could be struggling. So just be kind and be patient.

Speaker 1: 22:28

This is a reminder also that loneliness is a silent killer, because whenever we get lonely, we tend to find things that will drown that loneliness out. To find things that will drown that loneliness out, and that's how we can build temporary habits that become permanent. And instead of seeking comfort in alcohol, drugs, people just seek comfort in knowing that there is more in store. Keep your faith alive and stay patient. More in store. Keep your faith alive and stay patient. Have your eyes set on something other than just a temporary solution to your problems, because that can create more problems.

Speaker 1: 23:16

I want to validate anyone who's feeling down this season, for whatever reason. For whatever you're going through, I want you to know I understand. That's why I just shared what I'm currently going through and I want you to know that you're not alone. But I also want you to check yourself and not sit in that uncomfortable, sad place. Find the beauty in everything, even the bad times. I want to remind you guys that God loves you and I love you, and if we can just see past that mountains in front of us today and keep walking, for he will give you rest, guys. I love you guys. Thank you for joining me today and I will see you soon.