The Art of Navigating Anger

This episode focuses on the emotion of anger, exploring its root causes, significance in human experience, and strategies for managing it constructively. We emphasize that anger is natural and valid, encouraging listeners to acknowledge their feelings, understand their triggers, and find healthier ways to express anger.

• Recognizing anger as a natural part of life 
• Exploring common triggers for anger 
• Discussing biblical perspectives on anger 
• Understanding the difference between feeling angry and acting on it 
• Practical tips for pausing and processing anger 
• Finding positive outlets for anger through self-care 
• The importance of self-forgiveness and moving forward 
• Encouragement to express feelings constructively to prevent harm to others

Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding and Managing Anger
• 5:05 Navigating Through Anger and Reactions
• 12:37 Managing Anger and Emotions
• 25:39 Choosing Kindness Over Anger

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

You better check yourself before you break yourself. You better check yourself before you break yourself. Hey, what's up you guys? Welcome back to Check Yourself. I'm your host, harley.

Speaker 1: 0:13

I pray everyone has been having a great start off to your year. I am doing a 21-day fast with my church. So far it's going pretty okay. I have failed a couple of times on one thing I chose to do three different things, but it's been going good. So I pray it's going good for you with whatever it is that you're starting your new year off with.

Speaker 1: 0:41

So the other day we had group like I'm part of a church group for mental health. We were kind of going over what our goals were for the year and things like that. Everyone just kind of had a common goal and it actually inspired me to do this episode, because it's something I also struggle with to this this day. It's not the same as it used to be, but it is something I still struggle with. I kind of wanted to share what I have learned. Maybe it will help you.

Speaker 1: 1:15

Today we're going to talk about anger, because I feel like that is an emotion that a lot of us struggle with. It's also an emotion that we feel ashamed of and want to get rid of. So what is anger? Believe it or not? Anger? It's actually a survival emotion that it's very important to feel and acknowledge. I know that anger is viewed very negatively. Even myself, I wish I didn't get angry. I don't like to get angry. Anger is viewed very negatively. Even myself. I wish I didn't get angry. I don't like to get angry. Anger does not have to be negative. It's an emotion just like when you feel love or when you feel happy. But this survival emotion actually triggers the flight or fight in us.

Speaker 1: 2:01

We usually feel angry when someone hurts us. We can get angry if something is aggravating to us or someone acts a certain way towards you. You don't feel like it's fair or it's right. You can also be angry at a situation or if something happens to a loved one. Sometimes we are angry about things that are happening in the world. Being physically or mentally tired can also trigger you to be angry. If you've like worked for however many hours for me, like if I haven't had a break to myself, if I am being overstimulated, that can get me to start getting frustrated because I just need a moment to myself. Sometimes anger is the surface feeling, but there's actually something under it that you are going through or feeling which is the actual problem In that situation. You'd want to address that feeling as opposed to addressing the anger Kind of understanding a little bit of what anger means. We can stop approaching anger as a bad thing. Anger is a normal human emotion. It's one of many emotions that we have and, just like any other emotion, it's important to feel and acknowledge what you're feeling.

Speaker 1: 3:27

I love that the Bible tells a story about Jesus at the temple. So this story is Mark 11, 15 to 17. And it reads On reaching Jerusalem, jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. As he taught them. He said Is it not written my house will be called a house of prayer for all nations. You've made it a den of robbers. I love this story because it shows that human side of Jesus. It shows us that anger is a human emotion that doesn't have to be negative. Even Jesus felt frustration for things happening to something that was so sacred to him and should be sacred to all of us I definitely want to say don't feel bad for feeling anger and definitely don't beat yourself up about it. I believe in one of the ways that anger can become negative is if you stay there Just like any other emotion. When I talked about depression, you want to feel and validate those feelings. However, you don't have to stay there. You can handle it in different ways which won't be negative, and you don't want to walk around that way all the time because it's very draining, not only for you but everyone around you.

Speaker 1: 5:05

As I have shared, I have gone through a separation. During the separation, I obviously had friends that were kind of helping me navigate through how I was feeling and things like that. They knew some of the things that were going on and they would get upset because of everything that has happened and in that anger that they had, they would give me advice on how to handle situations. However, the advice had I taken, it would just create more problems later on and it's not something I would feel good about acting out in that way. In the past, whenever I get angry, I would tend to scream a lot. It's not like I don't do that now. I do scream sometimes, like if the kids do something, I scream. I also would like break things in the past during arguments. I would just get so mad. I would grab whatever the closest thing I could find and I would either throw it or break it or you know whatever. If I had pictures, I would rip them. Just things like that. That's kind of what them, just things like that. That's kind of what, like, where I would allow the anger to take me to.

Speaker 1: 6:34

A lot of us handle anger a different way, whether it's physically if you decide to cause physical harm to another person One of the main ways that we lash out or express our anger is with words. We tend to use words to put down the other person. Also, a lot of times, if it's someone that we know personally, we tend to betray their trust by using things that they have expressed to us or trusted us with that are like deep insecurities or hurtful things that they've gone through, things that they feel and think that are very personal but they decided to share with you. A lot of times we take that and we use it as a weapon whenever we're angry towards that person. At that point, not only have you hurt this person, but you've also betrayed their trust. None of these things are positive ways of expressing our anger. Honestly, it could lead to bigger problems. If you physically assault somebody, that's not going to be good for you.

Speaker 1: 7:44

If you're driving on the highway I know this is a big thing for people Like when you're driving you get mad and you know you start beeping at each other. That is extremely dangerous. I've had people flip me off so many times it's just because I drive very slow, like a little grandma. But I am not comfortable driving fast. I usually like move over and let people pass me. I get on the slow lane or whatever. I have gotten so many fingers in the past. I would actually like follow or drive up to the person and I would just like start screaming out of my car. I didn't realize how dangerous that was, because you don't know what that other person is going through. They're probably much more angry than you. That's how that could escalate betraying that person's trust. Because this might be that a one-time argument. But now you place a rip in that relationship, whether that's your child a rip in that relationship, whether that's your child, your family, your significant other, it's still trust that they've given you and now you have used that as a weapon against them. So now we know that anger, the emotion, is not the problem, it's our actions.

Speaker 1: 8:59

As it says in Ephesians 4, 26,. In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. I love that verse because it's telling you there is no sin in feeling anger. It's not a bad thing, it's an emotion. However, it's the way you react to that anger. The other part of that verse which I love and I think it's very important that it's telling you to not dwell in that anger. You don't want to dwell in any emotion.

Speaker 1: 9:34

Being able to recognize that you're angry or that you feel anger or you're becoming angry, it's a powerful tool that you can use. Angry. It's a powerful tool that you can use. It's also a good way to have like a meter for yourself on what you can and cannot handle, maybe situations that you should or shouldn't place yourself into, because you already know where that eventually could lead to. Things like you get upset whenever unfair things are going on in the world. Maybe be more selective of where you receive your news, at what time you receive it. Maybe, if it's the starting of your day, you might want to hold off so that that doesn't set the tone.

Speaker 1: 10:19

Another thing that you can try to avoid is thinking of something someone did to you and just kind of like replaying it over and over again on your mind. I was actually advised to do this by someone. They told me that every time I interacted with a certain person that I was having issues with, to think about all the bad things that they ever did to me. I thought that was terrible advice because it's fueling the anger. You're not trying to get away from it. Those are just a couple examples.

Speaker 1: 10:55

There is different things that make different people mad, different situations that we place ourselves into which could eventually lead to us being upset or focusing on certain things. For example, you go out with your significant other and you're a jealous person being able to understand and acknowledge to yourself it's just an outing. The person, significant other or whoever is there with you to spend time and whatever it is that you guys are doing. Everyone is not there to try to like steal your boyfriend girlfriend away. They're just there also doing their own thing. I know another big one is like people feeling disrespected. I don't like it whenever I go to like a place and someone's rude to me and I feel like it's connected to either the way that I look, the way that I talk, or my tattoos or my kids. Like that upsets me. I think being in that mindset of like defense already is placing myself into a situation to get angry. It's not like a physical place that I've put myself into, it's not the place, but it's the mindset I've already placed myself into, that someone's being rude to me because of this, that and the third when maybe they were rude just because they were having a bad day and it had nothing to do with anything that I was thinking. So that is another example of how we place ourselves into these situations. We have already created the scenario or the narrative in our head.

Speaker 1: 12:37

What is a better way to handle our anger? Anger is something I have struggled with a lot in the past and I do still struggle with it. One of the things I have started doing whenever I can feel myself getting angry is almost like I pause, like you do when you're watching TV. I just hit pause on everything. I try to not pay attention to everything going on around me and I try to just take a moment, take a breath if it's possible acknowledge that I am getting upset. I try to pinpoint to what upset me. Now, this is like a quick thing, that you have to do all these things in a very brief moment and at that time you want to ask yourself how do you want to move forward? I immediately want to move forward with probably the most negative response. That's what comes to me. But then I ask myself, no, really, what is the best way to move forward?

Speaker 1: 13:41

If it's something that happens while I am with someone, like I'm with the person that's making me angry, or if I'm at a place, like a public setting, even in the car, like the traffic thing as I mentioned, I obviously don't want to have a reaction that can be hurtful to the other person or can escalate the situation. So, in those situations where you can't really release at that moment, I personally have started praying. I will say a prayer to myself, just very simple Ask God to please help me calm down and to take the words or the actions that are negative away from me. Not allow is attached to something else as well. I have literally out loud said what is making me angry and I've expressed how I feel at that moment towards the situation or if it's a person I have cried while I do this, I have screamed, but I've done it by myself. I didn't say those words or express those emotions with anger at that moment. However, I was still able to express them and release that feeling, as opposed to bottling it up.

Speaker 1: 15:25

Another thing that I do whenever I am having a lot of anger or negative feelings, I will turn on worship music or I will pick up a book that's uplifting and I will read that, I will watch a sermon. Those are things that work for me. Maybe for you it's something different. Maybe you want to put like happy music on that's, you know, going to get you in a better mood. Maybe it's painting. That's a way you release or a way that you calm down. I have a lot of male friends who they work out a lot and that is a way they release like anger or frustration. They'll go work out, lift weights. Just find something that you love, that makes you happy, that lifts your spirits, and run to that thing whenever you feel this way, because that will help you calm down, be able to process the emotion in a healthier way.

Speaker 1: 16:26

So the point is not to suppress the anger and not allow yourself to feel that way or validate your feelings or express your feelings at all. You should still express when someone makes you angry. If you feel like they've wronged you, if someone hurts you, you can express those things, but you can do it in a way where it's not attacking that person and you're not coming from a place of revenge. You are simply voicing how the situation or the person or the word said made you feel. Another helpful thing that I have done in the past is I will write a letter to the person that has made me angry and I'll express the reasons and I will just express myself the way I would want to. It's not I'm not going to filter myself, I'm not going to like make it sound proper and cutesy. I'm just going to write down what I feel like, what I would be saying to that person if I had like zero control over my anger. And again, that's another way of releasing that anger, anger. And again that's another way of releasing that anger Just kind of like putting it down on the paper or whatever computer and letting it go Like write it, never send it. It's done.

Speaker 1: 17:53

I believe one of the best things you can do when you're angry at someone or you're angry at something, see the best in that person. Think of all of the good qualities that they have, or think of all the good things that they've done for you. Remind yourself of that. You don't want to view that person in the worst light because, at the end of the day, they haven't stopped being all those good things because you guys had a bad moment. That person doesn't stop being a good person. We are all trying to navigate our emotions, our circumstances, day-to-day life. Rather than seeing each other in the worst light possible, let's try seeing the good in one another and letting that be the things that we remember, as opposed to the wrongs that they have done, either to us or to someone else. What I'm saying is don't disregard the whole person just because you had this one moment, or even if you've had several, don't disregard the rest of the person. So now maybe you're thinking to yourself okay, this is all great, sounds great, but I already messed up, I already reacted. It's over, like it's it's. What's done is done, and you would be right. What's done is done.

Speaker 1: 19:17

There is no point on beating yourself up for the reaction, beating yourself up for feeling angry. Instead, think about the fact that okay. Now I know that I felt angry because of this XYZ and I understand that the way that I reacted probably not the best way. Maybe next time, if there is a next time, whether it's the same or different situation or similar you understand that specific reaction was not the best reaction. But feeling guilt and feeling ashamed that is used as a weapon against you. Nothing negative comes from the Lord. So feeling ashamed or feeling guilt, it's not an emotion that God is going to give you. So if he doesn't give it to you, don't give it to yourself.

Speaker 1: 20:12

Forgive yourself for what's happened. Ask yourself why did you react this way? Is it something you saw growing up? Is it because you wanted revenge at that moment? You wanted them to feel just as crappy as they made you feel. You want to prove that you are better than them, or you are smarter than them, or whatever it is that you are trying to do with that reaction. I think it's also important to think about the reaction that you've had and how it affected that other person, and placing yourself in that other person's shoes, how would you feel if someone had that anger towards you and acted out the anger in the way that you did? If it's physical, how would you feel if someone physically assaulted you? If it's with words, how would you feel if those words were said to you? If the things that you've entrusted another person with were then used as a weapon against you? When you do that, you will begin to feel remorse for your actions and at that point you'd want to ask for forgiveness.

Speaker 1: 21:32

I tend to ask God to forgive me first for anything that I feel like I've done wrong. I truly feel this conviction. I know what I have done is not something that Jesus would do. That has changed a lot of my reaction to a lot of different things, because that has now become my standard for myself. I'm not going to always do the right thing and I'm not going to ever be anywhere near the person Jesus was, but I can definitely strive to live my life for the better and not hurt other people.

Speaker 1: 22:08

So after you have forgiven yourself and you make amends with God, if you so choose to do so, you'd want to go ahead and apologize to that person. Even if they were the ones to make you mad first, even if the whole situation was their fault, it doesn't matter. The fact is, you still reacted in a way that you probably shouldn't have. The fact is, you still hurt someone. The fact is you still were rude. You still flipped that person off. Maybe you won't get to apologize to that person, but you know, say it out loud, apologize to them from afar. You should apologize and actually feel the remorse.

Speaker 1: 22:52

Now there's other things that we can't really repair. As I mentioned, when I would get angry in the past, I would either break something or rip things up. The things that broke I will never be able to fix them. There are pictures and important things that I've had that I've ripped up. It sucks because those things are gone. I can't replace them and for me it's just pictures, but for someone else anger can lead to. You could hurt someone else and maybe that's something that you wouldn't be able to take back. You also cannot take back an assault charge on your record. That's going to stay there. So it's important for us to learn healthier ways, better ways to express our anger, so that we don't end up with situations like my pictures that I'll never get back. Important takeaways Understand that anger is natural.

Speaker 1: 23:56

What you are feeling is valid. Your feelings are yours and no one can tell you how to feel, even if they don't agree with what you're feeling. Once you know the anger is coming, just stop. Do not react immediately. Take a moment, pray, talk to yourself, give yourself a pep talk. Once you've calmed down, feel free to express how you feel, what they did in a healthier way or allow yourself to sit with that anger. When I say stop, calm yourself and then express it and not allowing it to dwell.

Speaker 1: 24:33

Calming the anger does not mean suppressing it. Suppress it, you're just shoving it down. It's still there. When the next thing comes along, the person says the next words it's going to reignite that and now you are going to explode. Getting to a calm place is processing in a healthier way, understanding everything, just acknowledging why this made you angry and going through the emotions and understanding why you're having the feelings that you're having. Don't find ways to justify your anger by thinking of all the bad things this person has done, by looking at them in a negative light, thinking they deserve what you did or what they got. And if it's too late, just remember to forgive yourself, ask for forgiveness, find a way to repair things, but at the end, move forward. All right, you guys, that is all I have for today.

Speaker 1: 25:39

I hope this will be helpful for you whenever you have those times where you feel like you cannot control your anger, where you want to take matters into your own hands and really stick it to somebody. Just remember we are all going through something. We all have background noise that we have to deal with in our own lives. I say this to a person that I love life is already hard enough. Let's not do stuff to each other to make things worse. Let's not add on to the already crappy things going on in our life. So be that person.

Speaker 1: 26:25

Even if the other person decides not to join you, you can still choose to be that person and, I guess, take the high road. I don't like calling it high road, because it sounds kind of like you think you're better than the other person and you're not. You're simply handling your emotions in. You're not. You're simply handling your emotions in a better way. You're just doing what's right. Anyway, I love you guys. I pray that you have a wonderful rest of your week. Remember that you are loved, you are enough and you were built for a time like this. Good night.