Check Yoself Foo
God’s Transforming Love is the reason for this podcast. for anyone navigating mental health challenges, trauma, and anxiety. Each episode explores the journey of healing and spiritual growth through God’s love and grace. With personal stories, biblical wisdom, and honest conversations, we explore the intersection of faith and emotional/mental well-being, using God’s word and peace.
Join us on a show where God’s love meets us in our darkest moments, turning pain into purpose. Whether you’re looking for encouragement, spiritual insight, or simply need a reminder that God is always with you, this podcast will inspire you to walk toward healing and peace, knowing that with God, all things are possible.
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Check Yoself Foo
When Your Parents' Choices Define Your Life Path, You Can Choose Differently
Every family story begins with choices—ones we make and ones made for us. In this deeply personal episode, I open up about the three pivotal conversations I had with my father that shaped my understanding of abandonment, forgiveness, and the power to change destructive family patterns.
Born in Colombia to a young mother and a police officer father who disappeared from my life when I was just three years old, I carried the weight of parental absence throughout my childhood. The few memories I have—a motorcycle ride, a painful phone call where he refused to let me live with him—became cornerstone moments in my understanding of my own worth and lovability.
When my mother remarried in America, I briefly experienced what felt like a complete family, only to have it shattered by domestic violence and trauma that triggered lasting mental health struggles. These experiences created a narrative that I wasn't worthy of love, affecting every relationship I formed.
The most powerful moment came decades later when I tracked down my biological father and confronted him with the question that had haunted me my entire life: why didn't he fight for me? His answer—that he was scared and didn't know how to be a father—revealed something profound about generational patterns. While he blamed his own upbringing for his failures, I realized we all have choices regardless of what examples we've been given.
This revelation became my turning point. Rather than perpetuating cycles of trauma and absence with my own children, I chose differently. Not because I naturally knew how to be a better parent, but because I made an intentional decision to break the pattern.
The power to change your family's story isn't about blaming your past or staying stuck in a victim mentality—it's about recognizing that regardless of what happened to you, you have the agency to choose differently. Listen in for a raw, honest conversation about healing, forgiveness, and the courage to create a new legacy for yourself and those you love.
Are you ready to break free from the choices others made for you and write a new chapter for your family?
Thank you for listening 💞 You are loved You are enough You are NOT alone You were built for this.
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You better check yourself before you break yourself. You better check yourself before you break yourself. So I have three different conversations that I've had with my dad that I can remember. I've talked about one of those on here before because it's like my first childhood memory that I can remember. So a little bit of backstory.
Speaker 1:I was born in Cali, colombia. My dad was a police officer, my mom hairstylist. So my parents met when my mom was pretty young and they came from different backgrounds. So my grandparents weren't thrilled about my dad. The reasons behind them not liking my dad I'm not too sure I know that he was older than my dad. The reasons behind them not liking my dad I'm not too sure. I know that he was older than my mom.
Speaker 1:In Colombia, I guess my family was like well off, not rich, but they were well off and I guess they felt like he was beneath her and they wanted someone else, someone with more money. That's a trend in my family, but that's a story for another day and that's no shade to my family. By the way, everybody's different, different things are important to different people, but anyway, I guess I don't know. My parents fell in love and then I came to be, but my parents weren't married yet, so they got married while my mom was pregnant with me. My grandma tried to pay my dad to not marry my mom, because that's how much they did not want him like in her life, I guess. But I guess my dad had some integrity because he did not take the money and married my mom. So my parents were together for I guess three years.
Speaker 1:We lived in a town called Popayan in Colombia, and in Colombia because it's, you know, not like here in the US, sometimes family rent rooms in houses instead of like renting houses or buying a house. So this room was kind of like a studio apartment and there's a small kitchen room, all that. My dad, like I said, he was a police officer and my mom stayed at home with me. I remember my mom always tells me the story that I left and I started walking to go find my dad and one of the police officers found me walking. I told him I was looking for my dad and so he brought me back home. I always think that story is so cute. Eventually, I guess, they split up. My mom left. I was told my mom's version of the story.
Speaker 1:Obviously, I didn't talk to my dad. I never saw him again after I turned three, that last time that I saw him. So the only side that I knew was my mom's. So the first conversation was the one on the motorcycle, when my dad picked me up. He was taking me to the river and I saw a field burning and I asked my dad why it was burning. He told me it was sugar canes. I don't remember if he explained to me why they burned them, I just know that's what he said. So the second conversation, that first one I was three, by the way. The second one was on the phone because, like I said, I never got to really see him again. I was 10.
Speaker 1:My mom met the person that she married, that brought us to this country, and I guess she was in the process of doing my visa or something. I wanted to see my dad before I left Colombia and my mom says that she tried to get me to see him and that he wanted to see me. She has said that she decided at the end to not let me see him because she was afraid he would take me away. But I remember when I was on the phone with him, that time, when I was 10, I told him that I wanted him to take me to live with him. I remember him saying that wasn't a good idea and that I needed to sit with my mom and that's where I needed to be. I felt so hurt whenever he said that to me because it was like rejection, it was like my abandonment, feeling like I'm not good enough to love. It was all those things that I felt at that time and me and my mom's relationship has always been kind of weird. Not that I don't love my mom, I do but it's just weird and I always longed for my dad. I used to think it was because I saw other kids with their dad and I just as a kid, you know, you want what you see everyone else has. But the more I've thought about it, I don't think that's what it was, because I did see other kids with just one parent, but I always longed for him. I guess, whenever you just have one parent and you feel like you're not getting along with that parent, but I always longed for him. I guess whenever you just have one parent and you feel like you're not getting along with that parent, at least you can turn to the other one if you had it, but I couldn't tell you why it was so important to me. I guess I just wanted that support from a male.
Speaker 1:After that second conversation, I moved to the US. I personally don't believe that kids should be raised by one parent. There are circumstances where, yes, that's not avoidable, and I understand that. But I've always felt like, if it's possible, kids should be raised by both their parents, and that doesn't mean the parents have to be together. You can co -parent and you can raise your kids together even if you're not together. It is definitely possible. You just have to put your personal differences aside, your own personal feelings, for the well-being of your child, this personal opinion, the way I see it. So that was the second conversation with my dad.
Speaker 1:So my mom and I ended up moving to the US. She had married somebody. They had sent me to Colombia for the summer the following year and when I came back my mom had her own place and they had split up, and every time my mom would have a boyfriend, I would instantly turn them into my dad. I would call them dad. I just wanted that so bad and I think in a way I probably made my mom feel pressured into giving that to me and I wish I hadn't done that because I'm sure she made a lot of choices based off of that. But I was a kid, I didn't know any better.
Speaker 1:So after we moved away from him we lived on our own, just me and her. So my mom started working for a security company, like as a security guard, and I guess she got close to her supervisor it was a man. I remember one time she was about to come home from work and she basically told me she was going to pick me up. So I said, ok, when she picked me up, she picked me up with this guy and I was just kind of like not too sure he was not what I expected or what I was used to my mom dating. I remember he took us to Denny's and my mom, you know she's a broke single mom. So we didn't go out to eat very often or anything like that. And if we did, you know you had to keep it cheap, get water and things like that. So whenever we went out with him I was allowed to get I think I was allowed to get a shake and I thought that was like the coolest thing ever and I thought he was so nice for that and I remember seeing that he had a tattoo and growing up tattoos were like a no-no, like you were not a good person if you had tattoos. So I kind of made a comment about the tattoo Side note. That's hilarious now thinking back because I'm covered in tattoos. But anyway, back to the story. I made a comment about it. I believe he answered me. He was actually very open to talking to me.
Speaker 1:Considering I was a kid, that was kind of, you know, it was kind of different and it was nice. So eventually, you know, they kept dating. My mom and I moved in to his apartment and it was like a total different world when we moved in with him, because he lived in the north side of Dallas, which not a bad neighborhood, but it was just different, culturally different. We lived in Las Colinas when we first got to this country, so it was definitely different, but I actually I liked it, I didn't mind it. When I went to school in Las Colinas I actually used to get bullied a lot because I was Colombian. I guess that's different. It was for sure at that moment. So once we moved in with him, you know, I guess things got more serious with him and my mom and they started looking for a house and my mom got pregnant.
Speaker 1:We bought a house. Well, they bought a house and we moved to Sachse and I loved living in Sachse. I loved that house. I've never you know, I had never had anything like that before In Colombia. The houses are different, the neighborhoods are different and my mom and I we lived in an apartment and actually it was a nice apartment, but this was just. It was different. Everything here in my eyes just looked so beautiful when I first came here. The streets in Colombia aren't clean. There's no such thing as littering, because it looks like that all the time and you're not going to get in trouble for it.
Speaker 1:So after a while living in that house, my mom had stopped working. Her and him started a business and we used to go to something called Canton First Mondays and it was so fun because every time we would go we get to eat like Frito pie and you could walk around and see the other vendors. It was really fun. So I used to love going out there. My mom would sell some of her things and then they would sell what their business was. Everything seemed to be going okay and I actually really loved this person. It was the first time that I felt like, okay, I have a dad, like I have a family, and I was happy.
Speaker 1:My sister was born and I actually got to name her my poor sister. I was like 14. So I named her cartoon characters, but I love her. Hopefully she doesn't hate me.
Speaker 1:After my sister was born, things were okay for a while and maybe they weren't, but I was a kid so I didn't know. I know my mom wasn't working and all of the bills, responsibilities, everything fell on him and they also had that business. And maybe the business wasn't working and all of the bills, responsibilities, everything fell on him and they also had that business and maybe the business wasn't doing so well. I don't really know what. I guess what was really the breaking point for my mom, but I know that I know she moved out. We moved out. I'm not entirely sure I know for a while we lived somewhere else. Sure I know for a while we lived somewhere else. So maybe, yes, we moved out.
Speaker 1:I think the stress became a lot for him. I guess my mom had told him that it was over and he took it really hard. I remember coming home to school one day and my mom wasn't home. He was just kind of like talking to me, telling me that he didn't understand and things like that. I was a teenager so I mean I didn't understand either. To me it was like he's been good to us and we have a family. Honestly, that's all I cared about. It was a family, but my mom and I have different views when it comes to that.
Speaker 1:My mom grew up in a very abusive household, so for her growing up, she always felt like it had been better for my grandma to leave and then be on their own than her to endure the abuse that they all had to go through. I understand, I understand why she feels that way, but I didn't grow up that way. I grew up with just her and I really did want that family and I loved having it. I was so excited when my sister was born because I had always wanted a sibling. Even though her and I were years apart, it was still nice. When she was born, she was my baby.
Speaker 1:So one day I went off to school and I usually always would bring my house keys, but I didn't. That day, for whatever reason. I went to school. My mom and my sister and him. They were all at the house when I left. So when I came home that evening, that's when I realized I left my key. So I was like oh okay, and I knocked on the door and my mom came to the door and I looked at her face and I saw like a weird look in her eyes and she started to mumble something to me and I just kind of like I couldn't make out what she was saying and I think she felt him like coming up behind her. So she just said run, run, run. And so I started running because she started running and while we were running I realized that the baby wasn't with us and I asked her like where's the baby? She said she's asleep. I said well, we need to get her. And she was like she'll be fine. And we just kept running and I was so confused. But I was just running with my mom and we were knocking on doors. We were trying to find like a neighbor so we could use a phone, but this was like three in the day, so everybody was at work. Finally, my mom saw one of my classmates that I had just got off the bus with and she ran into their house and just did it and just started hysterically saying she needed to call the police and you know, so on and so forth. So on that day I found out my mom was pretty much held hostage in that house the whole day. She was beaten, she was abused.
Speaker 1:A lot of horrible things happened to my mom that day as my little 18-month-old sister was watching. Before, in a past life for him he was involved with drugs. That is something he never hid and he was very upfront about it with my mom, so she knew this. But he left all of those things behind and he worked to become a better person. I'm not making excuses for him but, just like with anyone else, I would want to have grace. Better person. I'm not making excuses for him but, just like with anyone else, I would want to have grace and understanding. I feel like everything became a lot for him and as a man you tend to hold those things in. You tend to want to put your best face forward for the sake of your family and you just kind of deal on your own. Unfortunately for him, he started dealing on his own with cocaine, and when this happened is when I found out that my mom found out that he was back on drugs and that's why we were leaving.
Speaker 1:But again, I didn't know. That was one of the most horrible days of my life. So because my sister was in the house, this was treated as a hostage situation Y'all, I cannot make this up. My house was surrounded by SWAT Newsvans pulled up. I mean, it was complete chaos. In front of my house there were hostage negotiators talking to him to basically let my sister out and she was actually taking a nap. What was going on in between I don't remember. I know an ambulance came and they actually took my mom. So I was kind of left behind. I was just waiting for my little sister, but at this point I'm like 15 years old, so obviously they weren't going to release an infant to me.
Speaker 1:I finally remember seeing her walking out. She was 18 months old, like Audrey's age. She was so little. She walked out the door and she was really like sleepy. You could tell she had just woke up. So she stumbled out on her own and he went back in. I wanted to run and grab her. His family took her. Actually, they grabbed her and took her away. Didn't like my mom, or me for that matter. So when they grabbed her. I really just wanted to see her and make sure she was okay. I had been worried the whole time and they didn't let me see her. They just took her, put her in the car and I was chasing the car and they took off and drove away and I remember I fell down to my knees because I just wanted to like hold her and hug her and I was so scared because I thought I'd never see her again. My mom wasn't there. I was so confused. This man is still locked in the house At this point. I don't know if they're going to bust in there and kill him Like I don't even know. So eventually I guess they went in, got him no harm to him. The craziest part is this man was bailed out. He was released the next morning After that. I was so terrified of seeing him. We went back to the house because we had to get our stuff and we went into the closet their bedroom closet to get some of my mom's stuff and we pulled some clothes back and we saw kitchen knives that were stashed within those clothes. His plan was to basically take the whole family out, like he was going to take us all out.
Speaker 1:After that I feel like that's when my mental issues really started to manifest. I remember we had moved into a new apartment and we came home one day and I saw a box of Raisin Bran cereal on top of the fridge and I was so scared Like you would think I just saw like a ghost, because I was so scared and I started like having a panic attack and I was crying and I told my mom where that cereal come from. The reason why that cereal triggered and scared me was because he would buy that cereal and we always had it at our house. So in my like young kid mind I I was like surely he broke in, he put the cereal there and now he was going to kill us all, like I know. So crazy, but that's how you think when you're a kid.
Speaker 1:So from that moment forward, when we would come home, I would leave the door open and I would walk into every single space in our house. I would pull back the shower curtain, I would check the closets, I would make sure nothing was covered so that I can make sure he wasn't in the house, and only after I did that did I close the door and just kind of I guess, chill. But that became my life. That was what I would do every time I would go home and it spilled on to you know adulthood, like when I moved out on my own. So the reason why I'm telling you about him is because he was the closest thing I ever had to a dad even more than my own dad, if anything thing I ever had to a dad, even more than my own dad, if anything.
Speaker 1:This man hurt me more than my own dad did, because my dad left, but he was there and he made choices that ultimately not only ruined our family but could have potentially taken away the only person that I've ever had in my life which was my mom. And to me at that moment that was unforgivable. I've always been super protective of my mom and that was just something I just couldn't forgive because she is all I've ever had and this man was like two seconds away from taking her from me and then everything that happened with my sister. I just like he did a lot of damage and on top of everything, he wanted to hurt all of us After him. I guess my mom, I guess my mom gave up at that moment and I gave up on the idea of a family, at least in that, with that dynamic of having a dad, a mom, me and my sister, I went on through my life kind of bottling up everything I felt towards my dad, towards this man.
Speaker 1:I didn't really know how I felt about my dad. Honestly, I didn't feel angry. I guess I learned to just do without him. And whenever you grow up and become an adult, you just kind of feel like I mean, I've made it this far without them, there's really no use for them anymore. And I don't know what came over me a few years ago and I started to look for him.
Speaker 1:I think it was around the time that I was diagnosed, I don't remember, but I started to look for him using my investigative skills on Facebook and I asked my mom and I do want to say I had asked my mom about him previously and I even asked my uncle. My uncle didn't want to help because I don't know his own personal reasons. I guess he felt like I didn't need him. I don't know, not his decision to make, by the way. And when I asked my mom, I think she said she didn't know. I don't remember, but I asked her again at this point a few years ago and she told me the name of an aunt. So I found this aunt. I messaged her and I asked her like, do you know, jose? That is my dad's name. And I said, um, my first name is Carolina. I'm Carolina, I'm Jose's daughter. I'm looking for him. She was so nice and sounded really excited to talk to me, so she eventually passed the message on to my dad, who then got in contact with me. I honestly couldn't believe that I had found him and I went through his Facebook because I wondered if he had ever looked for me and I saw a post from a few years back that he sent to a girl named Carolina and he pretty much asked her if she was his daughter.
Speaker 1:I also saw he posted this song that he had dedicated to me when I was little. It's called Mi Corazon Lloro. It's a Spanish song and it's a dad and he's calling the mom's house and the little boy answered. A little boy answers the phone, the dad knows obviously that's his son, but the little boy doesn't know that the person calling is his dad. So the dad starts asking him like how's school going? And things like that, and the little boy says that the neighbors take him to school when his mommy's at work, because he doesn't have a dad. So in the song the dad is asking to speak with the mom and the little boy says she's showering, and then at the end he says oh, she's left. In the song the dad tells the little boy tell your mom that I love her very much and I love you. The little boy says how can you love me? You don't even know me. He goes on the conversation and at the end, after he says his mom's left, the dad says to the little boy he's saying goodbye. The little boy says goodbye, sir, and the dad says goodbye, son, son.
Speaker 1:I saw my dad had posted that on his facebook and I knew why he had posted that. It was because of me. It was kind of nice to know that he had been looking for me too and it made me feel like maybe he does love me. I honestly couldn't tell you what the first conversation between my dad and I was. It was. It was weird. I didn't know if I should call him Jose or papi, papa, I didn't know. It was just weird. It was such a foreign concept for me. I talked to my dad a few more times after that. There was the last conversation and all I remember is he said something not so favorable about my mother and, like I said, I was very protective of my mom. So at that time I immediately went like walls up, guards up, and I blocked my dad and I didn't talk to him. You know, I feel like one of the reasons I blocked him and didn't talk to him anymore, it's almost like I felt like I was betraying my mom After all those years of her doing it on her own. Here I am letting him come into my life after he left us and I never, ever, wanted to hurt my mom in any way, shape or form, like my mom was my life, because she was all I ever had.
Speaker 1:So the third most important conversation I had with my dad, once everything hit the fan in my life with my family, my marriage, whatever you want to call it I was so mad and I wanted answers and I wasn't getting them at home. So I decided to take it out on my dad. I just felt like, if this man doesn't have answers for me, my dad better give me some answers. I know that sounds stupid, but that's how I felt, honestly. So I called my dad after I had blocked him and I told him I want to know what happened. What happened with you and my mom? What is the real story? And don't tell me in this little sweet make believe story, because I feel like when I first started talking to him, he would talk to me like in this really positive, happy, everything was great. I don't know what went wrong and I'm like no, I'm a grown woman. Give it to me straight, stop playing with me. Okay, I'm going to back just a bit.
Speaker 1:One thing that I also saw on my dad's Facebook was that he had a son. He had to be around 18. He was younger, obviously much younger than me, because by the time I found my dad, I think I was already 30. And I saw that my dad was part of his life. I knew I had brothers and I knew I was the only girl, but I didn't know my dad was part of any of our lives. And I felt, honestly, I was kind of salty, like why him Like? Why did my dad decide to be a dad with him but not with me? And I mean, that's the human side of me, that's the, that's the selfish part of me, because honestly, I should be happy to see that at least he grew up and someone else didn't have to endure the pain that I went through. Unfortunately, you don't see things like that. You don't see them in that way, especially not when you're still hurting, not at that moment.
Speaker 1:So back to the day, when I called my dad and I was like just tell me everything. Like I need to know what happened. Were you cheating on my mom? Were you an alcoholic? Like I asked my dad so many things and I talked to him like man to man, like talk to me like straight, don't, I'm not your daughter right now and honestly I didn't feel like he deserved any respect from me anyway. Like you left me when I was three. Come on, that man answered everything. He explained to me what happened between him and my mom. He admitted to having a drinking problem the only thing that he did not say he did and with him kind of admitting everything else. I don't see why he would lie about this. But only him, and God know.
Speaker 1:I guess my mom had always told me that I had a brother that was my same age, because my dad was seeing other women while they were together, and when I asked my dad about that, he said no, you have an older brother, but you guys aren't not the same age, he said. I truly did love your mom, he said, but it all became too much. Her family was too much. So after he clarified all that, I asked my dad the most important question that I had that I had needed an answer for for the past 27 years why did he leave me? Why did he not fight for me? Why didn't he love me enough to be there for me? And my dad said to me I know I didn't do the right thing. He said I was scared. He said I couldn't be a dad to you because I didn't know how to be one, because I didn't have an example of a good dad.
Speaker 1:So it was, it was best for me to leave, because I didn't know what I was doing. I said to my dad you know, with all due respect, jose, that's not an excuse. I said we all have a choice in life and we cannot blame our parents for our choices, regardless of whether you had an example or not, it was your choice to not stay and try. It was your choice to not learn how to be a dad. You took the easy way out Instead of going through the growing the difficulties you decided to leave for you, but you never thought about me and what that would do to me growing up and what it would do to me in my life, for my whole life.
Speaker 1:What I am about to say again, it's no shade on my mom, but I told him no one taught me how to be a mom, because being a mom is more than just providing and telling your kids what to do. But I made a choice. I made a choice to take those good things that I learned from my mom but improve on them. My mom made her choices and I will never judge her for that. Those were her choices. But I wanted to make different choices. I wanted to make choices that would benefit my kids and not just me, and not just my own personal feelings.
Speaker 1:My ultimate goal was for my kids to have the best, for my kids to have what I didn't have, aside from what I was going through, my feelings, whatever aside, whatever anybody else thought, I made a choice. No one showed me and if I had just gone with what I had seen, my kids would have a very different life right now. Again, no shade to my mom. I don't think I'm better than her. I don't think I am a better mom, none of that. I just made different choices for the sake of my kids and she did what she thought was best with what she knew at the time. But I did what I felt was best for my kids and I went on and tried to improve on that. So when I told my dad, neither you nor her taught me how to be a parent, but I still made a choice for my kids, even though a lot of times that choice has not been easy for me. There has been a lot of sacrifice behind a lot of choices that I have made that no one knows about except me and God. Not even my kids know the sacrifices that I have made for their sake, and I have truly had to put my own feelings and my own wants aside because I wanted what was best for them. But my parents chose what was best for them, not me for what was easiest and felt the best for them.
Speaker 1:After I said that to my dad, I honestly expected for him to be like you, little rude. You know what? But you know what? At that moment my dad said to me you're right, you are right, it was my choice. And if I had another chance I would choose differently. And he said to me that he would really like it if we could try to build a relationship from that moment on. Y'all.
Speaker 1:This was a few years ago and I wish I could say I had so much grace and forgiveness in my heart at that moment for my dad, but I didn't. I felt like I was 30. I'd already made it this far without him. I didn't need him and I felt like why should he get the privilege of being in my life when he had nothing to do with the person that I was? So I said something along those lines to him, not as mean, but I'm sure it still didn't feel good. At the end I said we could still talk, but honestly, I never talked to my dad again after that. I felt like I had got my answers and that's all I needed from him. I regret that now honestly, but that's because I see things differently now. We all deserve a second, sometimes a third, maybe a fourth chance, because none of us have got it right every single time, the first time or the second time. I have made the same mistake a few times. So I should have given my dad more grace and I never got to tell him this. But I have so much respect for the way he responded after what I said because he owned, he owned his ish. He didn't excuse it, he didn't try to blame it on my mom. If anything, he honestly never spoke badly about her. So I respect him for that.
Speaker 1:Y si, por algún milagro José, tú escuchas esto, nada más. Quiero que sepas yo definitivamente aprecio de la manera que me respondiste, de la manera que me diste todas las respuestas que yo necesitaba toda mi vida. Yo tengo nada más que respeto por ti y yo quiero que sepas que yo no te odio y que yo he perdonado todas las cosas que han pasado. Te agradezco por. Those are the three most important conversations I've ever had with my dad.
Speaker 1:But what this taught me is life is determined by choices, and sometimes it's not the choices that you make, it's the choices that others make, and sometimes their choices are the choices that you make and sometimes are influenced because of the choices that they have seen the people before them make. This is where we have the opportunity to break generational curses. We have the opportunity to change the trajectory of our families, of our kids' futures, of our own life. Because, yes, I was 34, 33 when I started to see the error of my ways. It was before that when I started seeing the errors of my parenting, because I saw the type of relationship that I had with my kids and I didn't want that. I didn't want my kids to grow up and have to heal from my crappy parenting just because I was repeating the same cycle, because my mother was repeating a light on how important choices are, and I want you to see the domino effect that it has on people's lives.
Speaker 1:My father not being there, unfortunately unintentionally created a void within me and it created a narrative that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't worth it. So I was looking for anyone to fill that void my stepdad. He made a choice to go to drugs to ease his own personal pain at the expense of everyone around him, which could have ultimately cost my mother, her life, me and my sister. By the grace of God, that was not what happened. However, his choice still affected all of us. My mental health issues started at that point. My sister had trauma to the point where she had to have a speech therapist and it caused a lot of different issues for her in life that she still has to deal with to this day. His choices affected my mother because she was already dealing with mental health issues and that just like threw her over the edge and we all had like PTSD. We lived in fear for a lot of years. So the choices these two men made have greatly affected me in life.
Speaker 1:But instead of me keeping on the cycle and just saying like, oh well, I went through this, that and the other, so that's why I'm like this, that's a cop out and a lot of us do that, a lot of us just stay in that victim mentality and it's like won't me Just stay in that victim mentality and it's like, won't me, I act this way because of that and I'm sorry, but I call BS. You act this way because you choose to act this way. If anything, living through certain things, people making certain choices, should make you want to make better choices. It should make you want to be better because you've already experienced the pain and the struggle of having somebody's choices affect you and affect your life. So why would you even want to do that to somebody else? That is beyond me.
Speaker 1:So let's stop blaming our parents, blaming our past, blaming our trauma all of these things, for the choices that we make, or the people that we are, or the people we become, because you have a choice, just like they had a choice before you. Had they made a different choice, you wouldn't even have to have gone through all the things that have hurt you. So think about that. I think that's all I have for today. For this one, I want to say a prayer, dear Lord. I want to pray for anyone who listens to this, who is struggling with past trauma, who is having to pay for the choices that others have made, who are still trying to navigate through all that hurt, all that pain, and shine a light narrative for their family, for their future family and for themselves in their own life. In Jesus name, amen, thank you all for listening today. Remember God loves you. You're enough, you were built for this and you do not have to stay where you're at Until next time. Good night,
